Carpe Diem til the very end
by cityofidiots
Summary: "You hear him say how he's hear to fix your broken heart and that he never going to leave you again because the pain just isn't worth losing you like that. And all you can say is okay and kiss him." Malec implied


This has been in the works for a while now, I had to re-write it because I didn't like the direction it was going in originally but I like this direction. I wanted to post it before my brother, his stupid fiancee and my adorable nephew came up for the weekend, I hope you like it!

The italic quote at the top and bottom is taken from One Tree Hill. The number maybe wring now but oh well~

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_At this moment, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared, some are coming home, some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth, some are evil men that war with good. And some are good struggling with evil._

There are a number of factors to make someone happy in life like; love, money, family, friends, a loved one, books, coffee, food, sex, hearing someone's beating heart when you lie your head on their chest, even the sheer pleasure of knowing that you get to live another day.

But what if you didn't have a happy life? What did you have to look forward to? Let's say you have: friends, family, food, coffee, books, money; but didn't have love, a loved one and you had to wake up every day reminding yourself of that? What makes you happy? Nothing?

What if the reason why you didn't have those two things is because you fucked it up? Because you was too selfish too realise that your choices do actually affect those around you and most of all those who you loved? And no you can't take it back because they won't answer you calls, texts or your persistent attempts of knocking on their front door?

Did you ever wonder what it would be like if you weren't you anymore? If you were suddenly gone, how would your world react? Whatever you imagined was wrong, there is nothing romantic about death, loss, or even a break up.

Grief is like the ocean, it's deep, and dark and bigger than all of us. And pain is like a thief in a night.

They say there are five stages when it comes to grief and loss and maybe this even applies to relationships to.

The first stage is denial, the denial that someone has definitely gone, that they won't be coming back, that they will be coming back through that door any day now and everything will be okay again.

You wake up knowing that he hates you, everything about you, but yet you repeat the same vicious cycle that isn't going to stop anytime soon. He isn't going to return all those calls, texts or even open up his front door to you. Or even appear out of the blue in the middle of the street or turn up at the restaurant you and your friends hang out at or show up in your room or at the front door.

Your friends are worried about you, how you spend half your time locked in your room not doing anything. Because you obsessively check your phone every five minutes checking that you haven't missed anything from him, because you always have that sad look upon on your face when you haven't gotten anything back. They worry because you speak so little these days, and that you glare at them every time they kiss their other half's, if only looks could kill.

The only time you actually engage in a conversation is when you're out at night killing demons, because that is a time to be actually serious about things that matter; not that talking about your past relationship isn't; but killing demons is.

Even when you return home, you stalk back to your room and lock the door before someone can come in and pester you and force you to talk.

The second stage is fear; the fear of being all alone for the rest of your life, that no other person can fill the void the other person has left before they left. You carry this fear around with you all day and all night, never going away, never giving you a break;not even for a second.

You barely sleep, you toss and turn and at times wonder when you're going to wake up from this nightmare and figure that it was all just a dream and there's nothing to worry about because you have him.

But every morning after waking up from the little sleep you had the night before, reality hits you in the face again, this nightmare is very much real and isn't going anywhere time soon because it isn't done with you.

Third stage is guilt, gut eating guilt that eats away at you every single minute of every day; the guilt of what you did will never ease up, will never let you forget that what you did was your mistake, you fault that you screwed up something so good that it was almost too good to be true, that you had to destroy it. That day replays in your head all the time. Him walking away and you staring after him like a lost puppy looking at it's owner in hope that this is all just a joke and that any second now he'll be walking back up to you to take you home. That he will forgive you for what you've done.

Fourth stage is depression, the sense of loneliness takes over you, blinds your future, takes away every single hope that you have of thinking that things would change, that things will go back to the old ways, that he will come back into your life and forgive you. That he will kiss your lips, hard, full of lust, passion and love; but you know it won't happen, this depressive stupor takes that away from you.

You go through the same motions as you did the day before and the day before that, like a broken record that's dying to be stopped; but you can't stop, because all you want is for him to be around and for you to actually explain yourself and not have him talk over you, not have him kiss you for one last time and walk away so casually.

You want him to open up, to talk about himself, to know his past and future and not the present because you're already living in that. You want to know how he's be doing since the last time you saw him, want to know if he's moved on and met someone else to love like he loved you; but you know that would only hurt you more. But you just **need** to know because you need closure in knowing that you can either fix this or you can't and then you can move on in your own time.

The final stage, is acceptance.

Acceptance of knowing that the past is the past, the future is uncertain and no matter how hard you try and forget, he will never be coming back and you just have to move on with your life and slowly put the pieces of your heart and life back together; either by yourself or with someone new.

But what if he did come back into your life after you've reached the final stage?

What if he kissed you passionately on the lips, and cupped your head in his warm hands, both of your foreheads pressed together?

And his mouth hovers over yours after kissing you and whispers _I love you, I love you, I love you_ over and over again, and you wonder if this is actually reality or if this is a dream. But in truth, it's reality.

You stare into his cat like eyes, a smile etching on your face as you listen to him say how he forgives you, that he has been meaning to call and text you back, to get you back for all the times you've knocked on his front door and that he was a fool to walk away and that he never stopped loving you; not even for one minute.

You hear him say how he's hear to fix your broken heart and that he never going to leave you again because the pain just isn't worth losing you like that.

And all you can say is okay and kiss him.

_Six billion people in the world, six billion souls, and sometimes all you need it one._

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As always please review because I love having feedback!


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